The idea of true love scares me so much that I would almost rather be alone. I hope you change my mind.

Today words fail me. When things are in order writers block sets in. My creative juices only flowing when I am covered by a blanket of lachrymose melancholy. But today is different. My heart is light, my mind is clear. Today I smile, thankful for the present. Thankful for right now,thankful for a moment free of presentiment. Thankful for You...

The pain must run deep for you to be so shallow...

I'm not...anymore. Thank you for finding me

The words in the letter you wrote meant the world to me...I just wish someone else had written them.

I'm not a "sucker for love". I've been perfectly happy striding along life's path. Alone; in a state of constant projection. But I was moved by this quote so I wanted to post it. Enjoy!

"You can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."

Getting over this will be a hard slog through rough terrain but I am looking forward to the challenge. You were never good enough for me...

Moving Day!

So tomorrow is moving day number 3! Yes, I have packed up and moved three times on my journey to being a Houstonian. I still have one more to go but this move has some significance. Since arriving in Houston at the end of June, I have been living in my friends apartment. It was great, but I am so ready to be in my own space. I cant even explain how good it will feel to sleep in my own bed, to wake up in my own room and use my own toilet, lol. So keep your fingers crossed that all goes well with the move and that we don't die from heat exhaustion!

I dare you to...

Be yourself- everyone else is taken

I Finally Made the Move!

So, I'm here! Finally after almost a year a planning I have made my big move to Houston. Still somewhat in transition, I sometimes feel like an aimless wanderer. Moving from apartment to apartment, occasional layovers at friends houses. But soon I will be in a permanent place and my mind can finally rest. I love Houston! I feel like I have found a place to belong. A place where I can be me without judgement or raised eyebrows. There are so many different people here that anyone can find their niche. It feels like springtime, fresh rain to make everything new. I no longer have to carry my indiscretions; all shameful baggage left behind me. Initially, the move was hard for me. I felt incredibly unfrequented. My tranquil surroundings were maddening. But now, I find that I have found a new sense of autonomy. Autonomy that I did not know that I possessed. I love where my mind is now. I actually feel like the new year represents a new me!

What Love is Like

"Falling in love is not like tandem skydiving. Falling in love is a solo act. You jump and hope your parachute opens. Sometimes you look up and see that you are falling by yourself, the object of your desire still on the plane, not interested in jumping, watching you descend into that scary place alone. In the worst case, you look down and see that the other person never left the ground. Had not even considered leaving, jumping the last thing on their mind."

I'm touched, I breathe. Heavy and deep. Heart racing, body heating. Two statues- longing, escaping stone minds. Sounds escaping closed mouths. I'm kissed, I breathe. Shallow, short breaths- indicative of passionate anticipation. Cold lips on warm skin, creating bursts of color and rays of light. Leaves fall away and I'm exposed, golden flowers hardening from cool air. Eyes close. I breathe. Faster as motives become transpicious. Uncertainty is replaced by surrender. I breathe, I welcome connection. Statues come to life. Eyes open- wanting to take in all there is to offer.

You Are

You are words I can't describe, the joy in my heart, the comfort I need. You are the breeze that cools the day, the sun that warms my face, the flower in my hair. You are the blue in my sky, the smile that you see, the words on my page. You are the characters in my book, the beginning to my journey, the happy to my end. You are the support that I need, the hand that I hold, the tears that I cry. You are my strength, my determination. You are my past, my memories, the holder of my thoughts. You are...EVERYTHING

A great quote

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

Read Much?!

Ok, for those of you who dont know- I am a huge bookworm. One of my favorite things to do is curl up in my bed and read a good book. So my favorite author just came out with a new book and I am super excited. I think I have an unhealthy obsession with him, lol. Ok, not really but its weird how a writer can put on paper what you feel everyday. How do they know what your fears are, your obsessions, desires? Its crazy. So the point of my blog today is READ A GOOD BOOK! It doesnt matter the subject, the author, genre- just read. You can be anyone you want to be, go anywhere you want to go. With a book you can be nothing and everything at the same time. Ok, enough of my reading rainbow spill. Have a great day!

I find it funny that one conversation can change everything. Make you love again, forget all the things you said you would never do, melt all the resistance you had built up, soften the heart that months of sadness had ruined, make you hope again, long for the impossible, miss the unmentionable, smile at what was once forgotten...

He's Not That Into You

Yesterday I was having lunch with one of my girlfriends. She was explaining to me that over spring break she was able to see her boyfriend almost everyday (during regular school time, they have a long distance relationship). So she was explaining that she was looking at him like “am I really even attracted to this dude?” This really caught my attention because I think this is such a common phenomenon. Many times we (especially women) are “with” someone because we want to be able to say “I’m with someone.” Of course there are other perks to being in a relationship including: physical companionship, someone to call your phone at night, an occasional dinner date. But I just wonder how many people are in relationships because they really care for their partner? How many people are willing to put in the effort it takes to make a real relationship successful? In my experience, I do not think that many people are ready or willing to lay the foundation it takes for a relationship to last. Many times we want the other person to do most of the work; YOU call me, YOU come see me. Or sometimes we just want to be in a relationship when it is convenient for us; when we don’t have any other plans, when we feel lonely, or when special occasions come up. But what about the everyday? Do we want that also? Are we willing to except the sometimes lack in conversation skill, the horrible way he dresses, his bad taste in decorations, his past issues? So girls, the next time you say “he’s not that into me” maybe you should ask yourself if you are “that into him”

FOUR THINGS

A fellow bloger did this and I thought is was too cute. So of course I'm going to copy, lol.

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. McDonalds (hated it- smelled like fries everday!)
2. Lifeguard (great- got paid to hang out with my friends)
3. Journey's Shoe Store (I worked with the best people)
4. Vartec phone company (felt like an idiot because I got held back in my training class :(

Four of my Favorite Movies:

1. Color Purple (hands down- my favorite. I quote something from it everyday)
2. Poetic Justice (if you know me, you know why this is on my list)
3. Seven (best psychological thriller out there)
4. Exorcist (because I get scared everytime)

Four Fears:

1. The death of anyone I love
2. Being inadequate
3. BUGS!! (any kind- big or small)
4. Love (it can make you CRAZY)

Four Things to do Befor I Die

1. Live in Europe
2. Volunteer in Africa
3. Get my Ph.D
4. Pay off my student loans

Four Things I Can't Live Without

1. Lotion (I cant stand being ashy)
2. My cell phone
3. My makeup (I know- that is so superficial)
4. God (this is really number 1 but I thought that was understood)

Four People I Wish I Could be More Like

1. Jarvis (she says whatever comes to her mind. One day I'll be like that!)
2. Vincent (he can talk to anyone- he knows everyone on the planet)
3. Maya Angelou (she makes words come to life)
4. Jesus (he never held a grudge!)

A Beautiful Life

So I did it guys- I turned 26! I am not sure why but since turning 25, I have had this thing about not wanting to get any older. Maybe its because I don't feel a day over 13 or maybe it's because the older you get the more is expected out of you. Is it wrong to still expect money in your cards when you are in your mid twenties or wish for a day that is completely yours? Well this year I decided that its not. I will be the 40 year old woman in the restaurant with the birthday hat on yelling "today is my birthday!" No need to fret about getting older, losing your looks, not being exactly where you thought you would be at age X. Who cares if I thought I'd be married my now or have my dream job. Its coming!! I am thankful this birthday because I realized that life is beautiful and I have a truly beautiful life (however dysfunctional it may be)

Here are some pics from my birthday weekend!

Missing Out

I often miss the little girl whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything was possible and with a heart that was full and unbroken

Internet Crazy

Ok, things that I just do not understand! One, has anyone heard of this site called juicy campus? I was told about it by one of my sorors. It is probably the worst site I have ever layed eyes on. Basically it is a site where people or should I say cowards are able to anonymously post things about each other. These "people" post things from who has given who an std to who they think is ugly. I've seen posts claiming that girls are whores and who they've slept with and even more disturbingly, I've seen posts proudly proclaiming hatred for blacks, mexicans, and homosexuals. Why do we do this to each other, why do we constantly tear each other down? If you dont like somone- pray about it and move on. Is it really necessary to go on a website and publically humiliate someone? Thankfully, I am too old and out of the loop to find myself as a target for this site but unfortunately several of my close friends have. If you know anyone who posts on this site, please tell them not to. Tell them that before they write something horrible, try to imagine their name beside it instead of someone else's.
Two: Why do people continue to put their business on facebook? I just do not understand it. Facebook is a site where friends can keep in touch. I do not want to sign on to facebook and know that your man is a piece of shit (then to find out the next day you took him back). We dont want to know what friend has stabbed you in the back, how depressed you're feeling today or how you are "this close" to whooping someone's ass. So please people- keep it light! If you want to spill your guts; get a blog. lol

Gettin' Right with Jesus!

One of my many goals for 2008 was to "get right with Jesus". The last couple of years have really been a time of growth and reflection but it has also been a very selfish time in my life. I have made a lot of decisions based on feelings and wants instead of "needs" and "shoulds". So anyway, I had my first quiet time in I don't know how long last night and I wanted to share a story:

Long before the days of hopping on a plan to get to another country, we had to rely on traveling by boat (imagine that- a month long trip on a darn boat). So there was this poor man who longed to travel to another country. He saved for months and months and finally he was able to save enough money to purchase a ticket. Since he only had enough money to purchase the ticket and didnt think he could afford meals on the ship, the poor man filled a large suitcase with cheese and crackers. Night after night the man would sit in a corner and eat his cheese and crackers as all the other guests dinned on fine food and drink. He would savor the smells of the food and he often daydreamed about what the food must taste like. One evening during dinner another man from the ship approached the poor man. He said that he had witnessed him eating his cheese and crackers night after night and he wondered why the poor man did not eat in the dinning hall with all the other guests. Somewhat embarrassed, the poor man responed that he only had enough money to purchase the ticket and did not have enough money for food. The other man just laughed and said " didn't you realize that when you bought your ticket, that it included the meals?"

This story really spoke to me because I realized that so many times we limit our blessings. We are so blind to what God has for us that we cannot see our gifts even when they are right in front of us. God has already paid the price for us to have everything that He says we can have....we just have to be bold, have confidence, and take it with authority. So guys- don't miss out on your blessings. Even when you think you don't deserve it- take it- then turn around a be a blessing to someone else!

Things that I Love!

One thing that I have had to adjust to since beginning a full time job is the all the little gifts you have to get. Maybe you guys don't experience this but since I work in a small office (there are only 3 full time employees)we get each other small gifts for pretty much every holiday. I always seem to run into the same problem- I never know what to get people. Actually, I have that problem with some of my closest friends as well. I'm a very personal person so I like to know little tidbits about people :) So just in case anyone ever wonders about me- these are the things I love:

Friday afternoons (there is nothing like leaving work and knowing you don't have to be back for 2 days), donuts- especially cinnamon, the color purple( the actual color and the movie), candles that smell like baked goods,picture frames, between you and me cards,cold, sunny days, Janet Jackson, talking, learning something new about someone you already know, the little rasberry and blackberry gummy candies from the nice candy stores, sleeping late, pillow top mattresses, rainy days, purses and shoes, books, psychology, movies, mtv, 7 jeans, burberry, gucci perfume, manicures, pedicures, massages, hair cuts, cleaning supplies (I know I'm weird), AKA, music- especially alternative, poetry, art, ballet, moscoto and purple flowers :)

I know my blogs have been kind of heavy lately, so I wanted to write something on a lighter note. You know sometimes you can have the most fun doing the simplest things. I am posting a picture of me and some of my sorority sisters from a couple of weeks ago. A quiet Tuesday night turned into a very fun evening!! Well something similar happened last night. A simple dinner and a movie date ended up being a blast- thumbs up to Dave ;) So I have got to tell you guys what happened. My friend and I walk into the movie theater on a Monday night at 9:30. As you can imagine, its completely empty. Well we thought it was empty (lol). There was actually a young couple sitting on the very top row. I am sure we half way ruined their night (it probably would have be nice to have an entire theater to yourself). But anyway, so midway through the movie I start to hear several loud moans. You can use your imagination to figure out what was going on. So go to the movies on a Monday night and see what happens!! lol

32 days from 26. I thought things would be different. I thought by now I would know who I was, who I wanted to be, where I was going. What hat do I put on today, what face do people want to see? Sometimes I hate this person. Her eyes tell me who I really am. Scared of the truth, longing to be someone else. Someone better, someone greater, just not me. Trying to be unique but scared to stand alone. Antipathy for others yet longing to be in their presence. Overconfidence shadowed by great insecurity. Outwarding looking independent and proud, inwardly feeling lonely and ashamed. Trying to reinvent the outside but knowing the inside is the same.

I did some reading today- random articles, fellow bloggers updates and they all had one thing in common: they talked about love. Maybe its just that Valentines day is around the corner or maybe its the cold weather. You know cold weather makes you wish you had someone to snuggle up to ;) So I figured I might as well jump on the bandwagon and speak on the subject as well.
Love is such a strange thing. We long for it, we chase it, we idolize it. Then once we have it, we blame it for our mistakes, hate it for making us weak. I used to love this boy. I did everything aside from screaming from the rooftops to get him to love me too. When I realized that he wouldn't I was so mad at myself. I just couldn't understand why I counldn't stop feeling for him. Then I read something today. The article was talking with a woman who had recently gotten a divorce. She was saying that the hardest thing about leaving her husband was that she was not ready to stop loving him yet. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. When we complain about an unwanted emotion, many times we are not ready to give that emotion up. It's like we need that emotion to feel alive, to feel normal or maybe to just feel. But I know now that I am ready to stop loving and nurturing something that can never grow. I will not be mad anymore, I will no longer hold on to guilt and hurt. I am ready to be free.

Sisters

On the 15th of January Alpha Kappa Alpha turned 100 years old!! It was a great night. You know a lot of people have really negative attitudes about greek life. I admit, there are times where you are like "wow, is it really worth all this?" But then you have times where you realize why you joined the organization to begin with. There is something special about being a part of something where everyone is so different yet shares a common bond. I love being able to meet someone for the first time and call her sister. Alpha Kappa Alpha has been in my heart for a long time- I feel so privileged to be able to say that I am a part of an organization that is so great!

A new year a new me!! Thats my motto for 2008! You know women are always saying "I need a makeover" or " I need a new hairdo, outfit, ect." While I am guilty of making these statments as well, I think its time for me to make myself over from the inside. I'm ready for a change. I find myself restless, waiting, sitting on the edge of my seat- but for what I am not sure. I feel that I need to shed this skin and get into something new. So that has been my project for the last couple of months. I've always wanted to get my PhD in psychology so I've been applying to schools, looking for jobs, apartments. It feels good! I feel like I am on my way to do something that I can be proud of :)